25 February 2013

were you

was that you, in my dream, last night? so many things happened, so many strange things. emotions, words, I couldn't even get a good grasp of them. everything felt misplaced. feelings, people, me. but every single thing in this world seems to be in contradiction with something else. and so today was in contradiction with yesterday. and from a puzzle of thoughts, here comes only one: was that you, in my dream, last night? I wish you were. so unexpectedly. so much in contradiction with everything I knew and ever wanted to know. people will always hurry to draw conclusions, identify themselves with everything you think or feel or say. thus my fear of speaking sometimes, thus my fear of sharing. so everything yesterday is in so much contradiction with today as if my heart struggled to find its way out and gave such an unexpected answer that the whole world seems in contradiction with the one thing I know today, such a strange thought that came to my mind and stuck there. was that you? and then another contradictory decision rises, I will not live it, you say, I will just let it not happen because this is such a strange thought coming from my heart. and it reaches such a level that I would not dare ask it for more at this moment, ask my heart why and how come and are you sure?. there is no such music yet to give the right answer but there is that music which helps you remain silent. so I know it could've been you, unexpectedly you. and this feels like such a great secret, like such a great thought that nobody else knows, not even you (or do you?), it almost feels like outside the law and so I keep it only for myself like a great treasure I won't share, at least not this time. I'm thinking perhaps this happens when you forgot to keep things for yourself only and now you found this, it's just a thought, a feeling, but it's such a great secret and it feels so good and it is so beautiful and, if you think about it, it was only natural that such a thing might happen. you keep this to yourself like you did before with something else and you don't share it and you protect it against any other thoughts because this doesn't need any other questions, it just is.

and if the dream perhaps had no meaning and if the morning perhaps showed no sign, I won't tell more because this is such an unexpected thought and it is not be shared, only preserved.

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With the past, I have nothing to do; nor with the future. I live now. Ralph Waldo Emerson

Don’t pray when it rains if you don’t pray when the sun shines.

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