02 April 2011

inside out


you know how I never make any big plans. just because virtually anything can happen. and this makes life much more easier. if I can avoid being disappointed, be sure I'd choose that. 


soon my life will come to a turning point. I talk about moving to another country for 2 years on a morning when I'm not even ready to leave the apartment. that, of course, might be due to the fact that I went to bed at 4 in the morning and I lost the habit of it a couple of months ago. it feels better. so make sure you sleep enough. to me at least, losing a night means waking up with all my negative thoughts in the morning. with an entire past waking up right next to me. but I let go. I'm not willing to make a mistake. I know, no pain, no gain. but that's just not my life philosophy. I could not live with it. 


but every choice I take has its solid arguments. and I guess so far the biggest accomplishment was to understand that I can love someone with all my heart even if it's aching sometimes, but just to love that someone for who that person is, without trying to keep that person right next to me. just because I know I'm not the right person. Wrong way of thinking? It might. Yet again, no one ever tells us the right path so we have to take responsibility for whatever mistakes we make.


so I still love. it's a good feeling. but except for this love for a single man, someone I also let go a long time ago, I gave up everyone around me, I definitely turned into a wolf. when I meet some of them, I smile. but I never see them as I used to, I no longer put my heart out there, I no longer talk about my feelings, I no longer believe in people you can trust and I no longer have a place in my heart for them. 


of course, there are two friends I have for years now, but time does not matter. but they have been so far wonderful people. and I give back or I try to give back the same amount of care.


and that's pretty much it. many things feel like they're not in the right place, but I no longer try understanding nor fixing them. life, as we know it, will take us all wherever we're meant to be. 

4 comments:

  1. imi place mult poza. si imi plac si randurile. linux a trecu in repaus. :)

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  2. no more pidgin widgin? :(

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  3. The fact that you can't keep a person right next to you doesn't mean you're not right or good enough or anything like that...it might as well mean they are not right for you or both of you are not right for each other. And if I see you smiling in disbelief when we meet I'm gonna kick your wolf ass big time! I don't know about the others, but here, in the cosmic land of me and Parov Stelar (and maybe someday, Scroobius Pip) you are loved and looked into as someone really nice :-)

    gata. sa revenim la cazarea noastra.

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  4. :))) dearest audrey, one cheese pie and way too much wine later, I read your comment. and we met and I didn't smile in disbelief mainly because we didn't talk about this. but of course, it's like you said, the other might not be the right person or both of us are not right for each other. true and possible at the same time, I am not denying that which implies I'm (for the time being at least) not blaming anyone (me included) for the current state of affairs. şi gata, acum avem şi casă! :)

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With the past, I have nothing to do; nor with the future. I live now. Ralph Waldo Emerson

Don’t pray when it rains if you don’t pray when the sun shines.




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