who the hell am I

sure it's nice to be the only one knowing/feeling something. damn, damn, damn, such a bad bad timing. what do I do know? you'd think you learn something with age. but no. or, better said, I guess heart never learns. it might get scared at times but it's like it has no memory or like only the short time memory works. well, hands are shaking, heart is racing. damn, damn, damn.

a dear friend asked me today: why can't it be the other way around as well? I told him: it's all about bad timings. or that something is not meant to happen.

and here I am, hours later, asking myself the same thing. but I'm waiting. if I learned two things with age these would be patience and diminishing your own feelings. controlling them to the point you are still focused. that's rather psychotic, some would say.

they always say: speak up, say what you think, be honest with your feelings. but here I am, melted down by a song. all memories seem to vanish. who am I? is this space mine? how would someone else define me? how would I define myself? am I close to the real self? who the hell am I?

I know so well what I don't like. and I know pretty well what I like. looks like I think I have so many things figured out. man, and I'm waiting. rather scared, rather dizzy with memories which don't seem to belong to me. but it could be due to the fact that I never felt I could be described, in any way, by the memories I collected.

and people come and go. and I keep living with this new secret or... rather new. it's almost like you're walking around with a lollipop in your pocket when everyone else is craving for something sweet. at the same time, the tough-minded adult keeps it well-hidden and knows the exact circumstances and the exact consequences  that would follow if the cat would be out of the bag.

and the so tough-minded adult thinks that this is something which isn't ought to be done. the consequences are not to be lived. it's not worth it. it's not a case of no pain, no gain. it would be only pain, only loss.

tough-minded adult or just scared as shit? with what risk? well, the problem is I know the risk and the consequences and I'm not willing to pay the price. So I keep on walking with this lollipop in my pocket.