21 February 2012

I have lived

Gia Coppola for Weatherly Spring 2012

a thousand springs. I have moments when I wouldn't recognize my place in the world if it weren't for my family and my friends. because they are who I am and what I have. my soul is a permanent spring but only now I see it and I feel it after thinking that november was my favourite month.

I was born in May and it would always rain on my birthday. I have lived autumns, smelled and enjoyed every memory of november days. what made me so sad during spring, I wonder. now I long for beams of sun and I long for warmth. a gentle touch on the skin of my hands.

too many times I have visited the doctor in the last two months. I have never felt so alone, so terribly alone. I wanted to be home again. this morning I felt I cannot go on. Small random administrative problems seemed too much. I have to face nothing, I have to keep this in mind. these are not real problems. my pile of issues, next to the other's real problems, is inexistent.

I knew I should be ashamed of such a weak mind after focusing on making myself stronger. it's just that sometimes we let ourselves fall.

tantrums, you might call them. I had moments of fury, of such strong anger. I am tired. I want to break free but I have no direction. I settled, but I don't know what I have settled for. I live in the present, but present is making me tired.

am I alone in the present? should I join others in enjoying comforting memories of a past where you'd walk with me in the morning or when we'd never thought one day we'd come to such an end?

I am lost and spring is not here.

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With the past, I have nothing to do; nor with the future. I live now. Ralph Waldo Emerson

Don’t pray when it rains if you don’t pray when the sun shines.

îmi ţin fericirea în buzunare, în zeci de buzunare cusute pe dos.

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