what if one day

my heart felt as if it had skipped one beat. for a moment there, I understood. everything that had happened struck me in a split of a second but it quickly went away, only after it had stayed long enough to leave me with a heart ache, a small sting, and tears in the corner of the eyes. That was it. It has ended. I have lived it. I was coming to my senses after I had chosen to cover myself in numbness. Can you feel it? I have never felt so far away from real world like I have felt it this morning.

I got scared. Even now, my feet are numb. All these thoughts and worries occupied my mind for the last two months. You get tired, strange and you almost live somewhere else. Earthly things seem almost unattainable. Words fade away seconds after someone tells them. Actions are pointless or artificially completed. I guess I am feeling far away from everyone I know. I never thought this winter would mean an intense inner struggle. Every step on the icy cover on the street comes with a thought, every attempt of avoiding a sliding bump on the alley has its reflection on my thinking. And everything, in the end, hurts.

A strong need for crying comes from somewhere in the deep. Like in those moments when you grasp for air. I have been smothering my own feelings and my reactions and now they ask for their right to take place. Tears fall down on my cheeks and I'm suffocating.