I cannot handle this monday

you can fill your life with projects, but when there are so many other things missing, when none of the projects doesn't seem important enough, when you feel you're back where you started (if you ever started anything), what's left to be done?

I cannot handle this Monday. I felt like crying in the morning and I feel like crying now. And it's been two weeks since I didn't feel like everything is pointless. I'm educating my happiness, I'm trying to make it stay even in small parts of a single day, but it's just contentment most of the time for too insignificant things. I cannot work but I will have to. Like a robot, I write and I write and my heart's feeling small and cripled. And I did this myself. I'm good at tearing apart my own heart.

I actually don't even want to maintain this bogus contentment because it doesn't answer one question: what for? everything will be alright? I dread my own thoughts and I cannot see them written down. when did I stop being sincere with my own self? I do not want people around me today and I realized I'm turning into someone who's no longer feeling the need of meeting new people or spending time with the friends. and it's not just a phase in case this clichee crosses somebody's mind.

I'm disappointed by people not keeping their promises. it makes me sad to know that whilst I can do that, other people doesn't seem to give a darn about that. is it so hard to stop a little bit and think about somebody else other than yourself?

six more hours and I cannot handle this. I cannot smile. I wish I could stop eating and turn into someone really skinny and then my outside would match my inside. And I really wish that. Here, I said it. Unhealthy thoughts from someone who's trying to lead a healthy life. Or used to try. So tired.